What makes websites lame
So I was reading this page, 21 Factors that influence website first impressions
I started writing this long comment on that posting, and after about 80,000 words I thought, “screw improving this guys site with my genius comment, I’m writing my own posting.”
So here it is with a dark and negative flavor. Let me start with my fist annoyance. Some time in the past few years, some guru destroyed the internet by convincing thousands of web developers and bloggers and marketing scammers that the best way to drive traffic to their site was to create “Top Ten” lists. The top ten is the new sex. It sells. Unlike sex, Top Tens have gotten really old. And so have top 5, 20, 11, 99 or any other kind of list. You are not David Letterman and your list isn’t nearly as useful as you think it is. In fact, it’s the least enlightening thing I’ve read all decade. But surely it got you some visitor traffic. Which is my problem with it. The average butthead is reading your stupid post when they should be reading thought-provoking nine page articles on foreign policy that aren’t getting the attention they deserve. That highly educated journalist is starving while your dumb ass just made enough adsense money to buy an oversized shower head from Amazon.com.
Just to be clear here, I’m not making fun of the author(s) I linked to above from Vandelay web design. This is about lists in general. His wasn’t too bad, but I skimmed it, which is another problem with these lists. They are so easy to skim, they encourage you to stop reading paragraphs all together. Which encourages fake learning through unfocused consumption. That’s what TV is for. Here on the web, we should have higher aspirations.
Speaking of potatoes au gratin, heres my next problem with lame websites. Now that 27 inch monitors are like $18 bucks, everyone has them. Which means that 9pt font size that used to be great back on EVGA, now looks like hollywood hacker type. And Jesus, please stop using Verdana. It’s really gross. I have been told that at one point Verdana had a purpose, but since I just told you not to use small type, you know now that you musn’t use Verdana. It has sucked since 2001. Especially for headlines. Ugh. When I think of Verdana, all I can think of is if Madonna had a sister, she would be named Verdana and she would be disproportionate, ugly, unfunny, lonely and always eating sugary cereal.
The next problem, or if you want to be a corporate wimp, the next “challenge” is the site that looks to be legitimate news site but is swelling from bias and propaganda. One of these is foxnews.com, but it’s not the worst surprisingly. I’m way too tired to even look for them, but they are bound to pop up somewhere for you. They are ruining everything, mostly because they are written by conspiracy sheep or the wrong kind of republican. So if you ever think you want to make a community based news site, let me totally encourage you by saying go for it, as long as you can actually tell the truth.
Next we have sites with imagery dysfunction. In other words, you don’t know how to work with graphics whatsoever, and yet your site has more graphics than a Tijuana hooker? I guess, people long ago, back in 1995 had nothing to do but build very horrid gif animations and offer them as freebie downloads, while making popup advertising money. Those who bought or downloaded those spinning candy cane horizontal lines, or the 3D cats, or anything blinky decided that their website might get lonely without them. I mean hey, who needs white space when you can have that sweet hit counter?
Continuing on, there are still about 500,000 sites out there with background colors that will blow your ears off. There aren’t laws of the web, but let me just write the first and only one. If you are making your first website, you are allowed to use for your background, either #FFFFFF or #EEEEEE as your background colors.
More graphic fun, my personal favorite in fact, the stretched image. This particular problem shouts out that you A.) used MS FrontPage Express to make your site and B.) you don’t care about human proportion at all. What kills me is that it’s nearly always a womans portrait photo that is stretched the worst. The type of woman who spends womanly-time putting together her best look, the public speakers, influential lawyers, and yet being stretched and gaining or losing 100lbs in the photo somehow goes unnoticed for years.
Add to that, processor eating javascript effects, mostly which are totally useless. My latest one is the moveable sidebars. Who started this? I don’t want to drag around your sidebars and customize your blog. Besides, its not like it saves changes anyway. Just make them static. If I want to stylize websites, I’ll make my own browser stylesheet or use Aardvark firefox extension to remove or add things to your pages. If your site was any good, you wouldn’t have to bother with these javascript toys anyway.
I also hate bad forms. Forms that don’t indicate they were actually sent, or ones that request too much information for their purpose. Or my favorite, the ones that make you type in dashes for the phone number. But hey, your arbitrary database rules are much more important than my time aren’t they? It’s not like you could spend an extra 5 minutes implementing a few checks. How about Law #2, no more requesting phone numbers. What you want to call me? We can have an intimate conversation on the phone. You think I want you to call me? I’ll bet 98% of the shady looking shopping sites out there asking for YOUR phone number aren’t listing their own phone number for you to call. And you know what, here’s website law #3. Online Survey’s must NEVER have any required fields, except maybe a spam captcha. I’m doing YOU a favor by filling your survey. You gotta be pretty goddamn cocky to think that your radio button selections cover the gamut of my experience with your product. If I want to leave a question blank then you let me do it, or I will abandon you forever. Shit-for-brains.
I also despise signing up for things, so stop bugging me about your newsletter and how it can deliver your content to me often and more efficiently. I’ve seen every manner of newsletter popup, slide in, roll down. Screw off will ya?
Meh. I guess that’s about it. As all the top ten lists promise, if you follow these directions you will be successful. Now stop reading this crap and spend some time with your family.
November 28, 2007 at 7:08 pm | general, publishing, rants | No comment
