Contemplate death with each inhalation and each exhalation
I was sitting in the bedroom. It was an otherwise quiet night, when an intense emotion came over me. It was a realization of me. It was a brief daydream, a bright and heavy glimpse of what my last moment alive would be like. And more frightening, what the moment just after that would be. And it felt REAL. Oh my god, I’m going to die some day and I don’t want to die. Why did I think of this? Who knows where the thought came from but it made me sad, a very real sadness. My stomach churned and I cried a little. We all have to face many fears and pains in this life. Some are more fortunate than others for reasons unknown to me. But those of us living right now will die. When I’ve thought about my death, at that moment of my death I feel cold and alone and scared. Will I fade away inside my mind? Will I be aware one moment and then just gone? What is gone? Does it hurt to be gone? Do I go somewhere. What am I like gone or in a somewhere? If I’m old and my mind is dulled, does it become sharp again?
As you might expect I was very motivated to change my thinking. I decided to do a little reading to see if I could understand this. I searched for a passage of what Buddha might have said about death. I could have searched for Jesus or another passage from another wise person. But I chose Buddha, hoping I’d find something wordly and otherworldly.
Think about death with each inhalation and each exhalation. Usually passages from these types of writings don’t come so clearly to me so quickly.
I believe I understood it as this: We can feel better about our own death by inviting the feelings of fear and pain in. Most of us don’t see that kind of self-talk as valuable. It’s morbid, it’s going to depress you. You won’t be able to function. It’s better to focus on life and ignore death, sweep it under the rug, distract yourself instead right? That’s what I thought anyway. Minutes to hours later the opposite happened. As I began letting the thought of death in and keeping the thought with me, I felt a true new state of being.
Instead of the depression and feeling of dread I thought I would have consuming me, these active thoughts of my unknown, yet eventual death gave me an appreciation, a thankfulness of every moment I was having. I could appreciate any small conversation I had with someone else. Because I was there and they were there. I could be thankful for everything that was going in my favor at that moment. Things not going in my favor, well, do they matter all that much? Now I’m feeling better, not worse. Though I can only speak with a couple days experience with these thoughts, I can presume a few things. Let’s say I have some sort of interaction with a person or group that gets me down. Maybe I made a mistake and I become embarassed or feel as if I’ve failed. How long do you think those consuming and defeating thoughts will linger when I’m continuously mindful of my own passing?
Would you think thinking about death would ruin your sense of humor? I have been appreciating good humor more, and I can enjoy the person more in the funny exchange. What about dealing with others? Would thinking about death put you into this dead zone staring into space? Actually it’s made me more responsive. I want to hear what they say and be engaged with them. I want to respond thoughtfully and not shrug people off. Will thinking about death produce a bad omen of some sort or cause your death to happen quicker? I doubt it, but how could I know that? In my experience though, people who are talking about superstitions and bad omens often come to conclusions because of ignorance.
I hesitated some writing this entry. I both don’t want to bring anyone down, but at the same time, I want people to have an experience for themselves. Why hide it? What good does hide death in the back room out of sight and mind? For me, it was at first pain and fear to think about it. And then somehow maybe a new wisdom. I’m going to end this with a few questions for you to think about. Actually they are for me to think about and revisit and exercise.
- The things you own, you can’t take with you. Where should they go?
- Do you think mindfulness of death would cause you to behave more or less rationally?
- Can you go through some pain and dream about the death you are truly afraid of?
- What kind of death could feel like a good death for you? (Don’t say “no death” because it’s pointless to try and avoid this)
- In being mindful of your own eventual death, how does it affect your thinking and relationships?
- Thinking of people who commit violent crimes, murderers. Have you ever wished death on someone like that? What do you think now when being mindful of your own death?
- If someone isn’t of the same religion as you, but you feel they are an equally good person as you. What do you think will happen to both you and them?
- Can urgency and patience go together?
I have so much more I’d like to write on this subject, but I feel if you have read it and I’ve written it well, AND you have time to quiet yourself and really think it over, then you will be better. As for me, I’m going to head upstairs to bed. I intend to sleep well tonight. I intend to wake up to a beautiful morning with new experiences and thoughts. I’m looking forward to it.
June 17, 2007 at 11:28 am | interesting, learning | 4 comments
Try not to anger your one true fan
I sent my mom a small stack of my new business cards in the mail before heading off to Japan. I was really proud of them because Juri and I collaborated on them for a considerable amount of time. The card was also meant to be the symbol of my new business. We even made one side of the card in Japanese so we could show them off to Juri’s family and some other VIPs we are meeting with. I’ll also have to talk more about the barcode that I put on the cards at some point.
Anyway, after my mom recieved the cards, she fired up the old PC to look at my website and what I had been up to. I have always had the suspicion that everything I write makes her roll her eyes. She’s has been supportive despite the eyerolling thing. I wrote a post over a month ago about 25 things I had been thinking about. In it, I mentioned that I wanted to encourage my dad to quit smoking, but I often felt blocked by her. Seeking to deter conflict between my dad and I, she would steer me away from yelling at him about it. Isn’t that the true mother’s role in the animal kingdom? In order to continue the species, the mother must occasionally prevent the idiot son from getting eaten by his father for mouthing off about something he knows little about.
My comment that she was an apologist came from my perspective on several situations. But perspective, like perception doesn’t mean s***. Because perspective doesn’t show you that when you weren’t looking, your mom has been hounding your dad at every appropriate moment how his smoking will affect her and him in the future. Perspective won’t tell you how someone has been battling behind the scenes. Your belief in your own perspective can render you absolutely wrong. How many times do I have to learn this? If you scrubbed through my site right now, I bet you’d find tons of very uneducated comments that I would be embarrassed to recall if you reminded me of them. Even right now, I have to ask myself “Have I looked over this entry to make sure it really says what I mean? Will this entry bite me later? Will this entry hurt my number one fan when she reads it?”
If only self-editing weren’t so troublesome and time consuming. If only we could change our minds about a subject given new knowledge and have all of our old writings updated for us automatically. “Oh you see I don’t really hate people from Florida, I’ve righted all those wrongs, just check out my blog now!” We could be consistent instantly and always. Of course it wouldn’t be good for those of us who need to be truly held accountable for our actions such as presidents and dictators. But for those of us who don’t want to ruin their number one fan’s day, that ability would really help.
May 31, 2007 at 8:36 pm | family, learning, rants, writing | No comment
25 things I’m thinking about
1. I don’t introduce myself proudly enough or often enough. I can confidently say I’m a good guy.
2. removed (met that goal!)
3. Thoughout a month, I’m the most powerful and then the weakest person I know. I also cycle through being the most outgoing, fun, sad non-social, helpful, loving and off-the-wall. I think there’s no avoiding the bad spots, there’s no changing them, but I believe we all can change a state’s power and length. And though I read books from the self-help gurus, this one was actually from me.
4. I’m a pretty good video editor and animator, but I’ve become more of a perfectionist over time. Perfectionism can easily cause stress and procrastination. I do myself a huge disservice. If I would pay attention as a viewer more, I would notice that viewers are very forgiving or they just don’t notice the trees for the forest. Sometimes you have to just want to get it done.
5. When you start to wonder if having your own company is possible, just remember all the silly restaurants and shops and now e-stores selling things you’d never buy in a million years and WHO ARE DOING JUST FINE, or who might even be making huge profits!
6. I have an idea and I need some help with it. (thanks to those who have offered to help, but I can’t collaborate on it just yet)
7. Learn the art of revealing just enough, and letting people figure out your point on their own. This makes better stories. People love surprise and a chance for their brain to make the discovery. Don’t force it. Hold things back and see what happens. This is why poets deserve more credit.
8. If you ever take a friend or relative to a vacation spot or tourist attraction that you have already been, shut up and let them explore. It’s one of a few opportunities where you make the situation better by doing nothing at all.
9. A night of surfing webpages will never be as satisfying as learning to make something out of wood or paper.
10. omitted. I already figured it out.
11. The other day I called a company out of nowhere because I liked the way they created a 3D video rendering. I called out of the blue and said “Hi, you don’t know me, but I saw your video. I was wondering how you did special effect X in it. Is somebody there that might tell me?” What do you think happened after that?
12. Right now, it’s already dark outside, the ground is wet, and both are typical reasons why I would normally put off going for a run. As soon as I finish this, I’m going to run in it anyway. So there.
13. Dave Werner seems like an awesome guy. I’d like to work with him one day.
14. There comes a time in maybe everyones life they realize they will never be famous, ultra-important, or rich. This realization will depress some, and will be a huge relief to others. There are also the few that become famous and realize that it wasn’t all they thought it would be. Detachment can bring contentment I think.
15. I feel bad for people who listen to Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. Whether right or wrong, they are toxic people and should be avoided. And it’s a good thing to be watchful of your government, no matter what.
16. There’s no reason why many people couldn’t choose to cut their workday in half and spend the other half helping others through charity, participating in government to make things better, or to simply to give themselves have more choices the other half of the day. Culture doesn’t understand this. That is why sometimes you have to be different
17. I’m almost 30 years old and I spent yesterday afternoon riding skateboards with the neighbors kids. Our conversations were more meaningful than all of the chats I had at work that day.
18. Join and organization to create a new view. A view is like a path you could choose to go down which would probably lead to a new opportunity. You don’t have to follow these paths or views. But it feels really good to have them, to know that if something doesn’t work out, you COULD take one of them if you wanted. I believe if people had more views in life, you wouldn’t see so much depression and suicide among young people.
19. Try something, even if people are going to laugh at you.
20. My dad smokes cigarettes and I hate it. I’ve hated it forever. I had an idea the other day that I would mail him a letter every week with a freshly printed article about smoking and tips for quitting and handling the difficult addictions. I could have written 2 letters by now and I haven’t sent him anything. Why haven’t I?
21. I think practicing being yourself in a mirror would be a valuable exercise. Or better yet, using a video camera. We all should be able to master our best looks and expressions. That way we can communicate in the way we want to. It’s not just for actors, everyone would benefit from critiquing themselves.
22. My wife will never know how special she is to me.
23. A small part of me hopes this list will lead to something. But the bigger part doesn’t care and has enjoyed it just for the exercise.
24. The past two years have really started to feel interesting, where we the human race may be starting into the future that actually looks futuristic. I just hope we can handle it on all fronts. We need bright people to make sense of it, to steer everyone in the right direction.
25. We can all have a new beginning at any moment.
March 26, 2007 at 9:47 pm | friends, general, interesting, learning, nostalgia | 3 comments
My InDesign CS2 video series at Atomic Learning
My InDesign CS2 Series is online. Mike Smick InDesign CS2 Atomic Learning.
December 19, 2005 at 2:52 pm | design, graphics, learning, training | No comment
