SMICK.NET | Website of Mike Smick Graphics and Web Developer

March, the most disappointing month of the year

I’ve been under the covers crying for most of the day. Sorry to my neighbor who was innocently shoveling. This wasn’t meant for you.

wintery-march

March 24, 2013 at 3:20 pm | humor, rants | No comment

Google recommends religion

A little experiment tonight with Google’s search-as-you-type recommendation engine.  These are all too harsh in my opinion and they are certainly in no particular order.

February 7, 2011 at 2:45 am | humor, interesting | No comment

Craigslistings to cheer me up

If you haven’t found Craigslist, it’s free classified ads 24/7. Easy, useful, valuable. It’s also a lot of laughs too. I loved some of the entries I recently read. I figured I could share them without much trouble.

The barter section was interesting tonight. Here are a few:

“Have a vacation…Give me your used electronics and whatever else”

Do you want my wallet too? Wait, that’s not a knife is it?

“I need diapers, what do you need?”

Whoa, relax there now and be careful what you wish for. You might find yourself writing another entry just moments later like..
“No longer needing diapers..thanks”

You get the feeling either their shit storm cleared up, or they couldn’t handle all the heckling they recieved by email. Also I like this because instead of deleting the entry, which is what you are supposed to do, they thought adding a new one would cancel out the old one more efficiently.

Or how about the guy who can’t seem to get rid of the…

One Kikkoman Gallon of Soy Sauce for Trade

“I have a new unopend gallon of Kikkomann Soy Sauce that I am willing to trade for something. Please email me at the listed address. Thanks Derrick “

A gallon for trade? I suppose it’s safer to barter items like that. Keeps the IRS off his back. Or he’s trying to screw his wife out of the one thing she really wanted in the divorce. Besides, surely no one would ever figure out it only costs 3 bucks at Costco for a gallon of the black gold.

But there is a silver lining to the soy sauce problem. Someone named Anonymous person responds to the soy sauce ad with his own ad.

re: kikkoman soy sauce trade

Are you interested in a hello kitty boom box?

This online exchange, so beautiful must have manifested for my sheer amusement. If you don’t know about Craigslist, it’s pretty simple you read an ad and then just email the poster of the ad at the given address. But this guy decides to put up his own ad in response. This genius named ‘Anonymous’ according to his ad lives in or around Chinesebuffetsville which I suspect is north of the river somewhere.

Alas, Soy Sauce man, again fails to go through the proper channel, and creates yet another ad for all to see.

Re: Re: Kikkoman

“I will trade my new gallon of Kikkoman soy sauce for the hello kitty boom box if it works or something else, let me know and where you are located. Please email me at the address posted. thanks Derrick or call 816.xxx.xxxx”

Notice Derrick slides in the little “if it works” remark, signifying his mistrust for Anonymous from Chinesebuffetsville. I get the feeling Kikkoman was really hoping for a Kawasaki Ninja, this being a strange asian themed exchange.

How about a couple more:

Wanted: Someone to tattoo me!

“I really want to get my chest piece done, but I’m broke!!!”

Somebody please help this guy out before he uses another exclamation mark. Certainly any amateur tattoo artist can fill in for a professional. I mean who needs somebody who knows what they are doing, when you can save a few bucks.

Licensed professional counseling for barter / may give as gift too – $100

Happy birthday, honey! You’re gonna love this. Ms. Simmons is going to help you with those voices you’ve been hearing at night! Now blow out your candles!

My Football / Hockey cards for your Video games

No way, I fell for that back in the fifth grade. Never again.

Will work for Goose Decoys (Overland Park)

I hear they don’t pay too well chief.

I got a Game Cube, you got some firewood? (Northland)

Forget spankings, now THAT’S how you discipline your kids.

And finally, my absolute favorite:

“This is what I have, what do you have to trade for them??”

some crappy stuff

Hmm, let’s see, a musty futon, that folds in two positions, a cracked one-eyed turtle sandbox, and rusted barbells laying in the weeds. As a friend of mine would say: “How about I kick you in the nuts and we call it even?”

Cheers!

September 20, 2006 at 11:24 pm | general, humor | No comment

Old friends

One of my friends from back in the day working at the movie theater reminded me of my first experience of Photoshop trickery. Brian, thanks for making that logo for me way back when. That iron-on t-shirt lasted about 17 seconds in the wash. Geez, has it been 10 years? Here is a tribute to you:

Smickers

April 28, 2006 at 3:22 am | friends, humor, nostalgia | No comment

Cat for Sale

I wanted to tell everyone about my cat for sale, if you didn’t already know. I’ve been trying to sell him for a while now, perhaps you’ve seen the signs? I posted several of them on highway 70. No takers so far. We might just keep him.

cat for sale

April 17, 2006 at 2:46 am | humor | 1 comment

Police Play

I’m in my first class I’ve attended as a student in quite some time. I saw a newspaper article a while back about a group attending the citizen’s police academy. This ten week course gives you all kinds of insights on how the police work. I wanted to be the first to sign up for the following session.

Tonight was the kickoff night, so for three hours I heard about history of the Kansas City police department, learned a little (that I could retain) about the departmental structure from the top down. I didn’t know this, but both Kansas City and St. Louis are the only police departments in the country that report to a police commission rather than being run by the state.

Another thing I learned was that in Kansas City and I’m sure other places, the 911 emergency number was instituted in 1983. What the heck? That fact didn’t sound right, so I searched and found the following website: 911 Dispatch and it states that 1980 was the year St. Louis implemented 911 as for a testing period. That coincides pretty well for me.

The first class ended with us recieving our first police issue 9mm Glock and “The Proper Applications of Police Brutality” instructional VHS video. I don’t have a VCR anymore, so I’ll buy the DVD version.

March 7, 2006 at 10:45 pm | humor, police | No comment

12 Things I love

I’m going to write a little bit about the things I love. Because some things kick ass and some things don’t, and I think it’s time to mention the good ones for today. I’m not in a wierd mood, just been wanting to post this for a while.

  1. WordPress I orginally had Mark Cuban here in this list, but I realized that despite Mark’s coolness, I do not always think he kicks ass. But if I get to know him better, perhaps he’ll be back on the list. WordPress beats him though, and this includes the developers. WordPress is this fantastic publishing server software that is supereasy to configure and highly customizeable. See Designorati.com for their highly customized version. Blogs can be lame, but WordPress is awesome if you want to set up a website. There are a bunch of themes out there to use and it’s easy to communicate.
  2. Xara Xtreme is one of the most badass drawing programs out there. It’s one of the only vector drawing programs where the tools behave as you would expect. The commercial version on Windows is 80 bucks and well worth it for what you can do. They also have opensourced it in hopes that at Linux and Mac version will be close to follow. Some libraries aren’t available in the free version, but it will be robust I’m sure. The fabulous thing is they have the best movies for this program. When you go to the help menu, you can permanently install a whole list of short movie tutorials on how to use it. This is exactly how software should be. It’s faster with large digital image handling than any other program. Xara
  3. Apple Computer oops, wrong list
  4. My Wife The reason my wife is third on this list is that she is my third wife. Just kidding. She is quite possibly the most hilarious person I know. No one would ever say that who knows her because she’s so quiet to everyone but me and her immediate family, but trust me there are many many layers to her, and most of them are funny. The most funny thing is she spends 5 hours a day on a computer, but hates computer, and she knows her husband has a website, but has no desire to ever go there.
  5. Fran Lemery When I was younger, I would never expect to have a best friend who is 35 years older than me, but I do. Fran is such a neat guy. He’s good at everything important, like building, gardening, speaking, computers, remembering names, and fine wines. He’s really wise and definitely my best friend in Kansas City. Really a cool person to know and learn from.
  6. Wired Magazine Years ago, I remember thinking that Wired was one of the many faux tech magazines full of computer buyer’s guide ads. Was I wrong. This magazine is perhaps the most intelligent read that a magazine can be. It’s entertaining, and full of good tech / political articles. The writers really seem to deserve to be there, as all of them are good. They even have sex articles, which rules. Seems like all their articles are free on their website too. wired.com
  7. My friend Susan is the reason why I finished my book. She is best wordsmith I know. Not in the form of poetry, but just being an expert in English. Her vocabulary is unmatched at the office, and I get the feeling she actually knows what she’s saying, unlike other coworkers who often misuse the big words more than I would admit to them. Susan is also a very honest person and is more funny than she gives herself credit. Actually she’s more everything than she probably will give herself credit. Yes Susan, you beat Blender on the list.persimmonsmith.com
  8. Blender 3D is a 3D graphics program and is completely free and open source. So you can use it, program your own version if you like. But as it is the interface is the best I’ve seen for such a detailed program. Each part is organized in panels that fit together and can be resized. An easy keystroke will pop your panel to full screen and back again. The actual purpose of the program is to create 3D models and worlds and render still images, videos, or create games or some other multimedia experience. Adobe, is just now getting into the interface design that Blender has had for years. Blender
  9. Mary Roach wrote the books Spook and Stiff and is such a fun person to read. Her books are entertaining and are science based, but really end up being books about adventure, culture and mystery. As she puts it, she starts her books knowing nothing of the subject. Then she takes you on her learning adventure. Mary, if you ever make it to Kansas City, we need to go to the Kona Grill or something to hang out. Mary Roach
  10. The Public Library can you get any better than a place that holds the information of the world that encourages you and supports you in any endeavor. Your librarians even protect your rights and do their best to make sure you have access to the free flow of information. Plus it’s fun to sit back and read / people watch, browse what other people are doing. Some libraries let you take out video games even and DVD movies are the norm now at pretty much any library. And here’s the crazy thing. You can go to the library’s website in a lot of places, and put holds on books. Then when they are available, several librarians will find your book and set it aside, and send you an email to come pick it up. Thank you Ben Franklin! my library
  11. Jon Stewart freaking rules. Why the heck isn’t his logic taken beyond it’s masterful comedic exploits to being applied in our lives. He is quite possibly the most important commentator today. I have no reason to watch TV news if I can download his clips off the internet. I get the important take on world news as it is. His take on the media is razor sharp.
  12. the guy from The STRAIGHT DOPE is another great guy. Actually come to think of it, I don’t know if he is a guy, but I’m pretty sure Cecil is always a guy. Anyway, read his site and how he answers the questions that you didn’t know you wanted answered, but were sitting in your unconscious somewhere.”

February 3, 2006 at 7:26 am | humor, rants | No comment

Protect your identity says the media

Become a private citizen and consider the list of things you can do to protect your identity. I learned about that website from the EFF.

Or you could learn about your privacy from me and publish to the entire world all about yourself. Steal my identity please. I’ll give YOU a bad reputation.

January 13, 2006 at 4:33 pm | humor, politics | No comment

I feel like this guy today


This is me during the holidays.

December 20, 2005 at 9:00 am | humor, rants | No comment

home stay student fun

After finishing a successful homestay week housing a foreign student, I feel like I should share a few tips should you ever decide you want to have a student stay in your home to gain cultural insights. First you have to tell your homestay kid right up front that YOU are the boss. Don’t give them a chance to slack or have an opinion by saying things like “Are you having fun?” or “Did you enjoy that?” or “What would YOU like to do?”

Why would you start out a perfectly good situation like this by making your student believe that his / her opinion or emotions are important. Instead, tell them “You will have fun when I SAY you will have fun! Now finish scrubbing the baseboards maggot!”

At some point, your student may be reluctant to share in a meal, not being familiar with the food we enjoy here. If the situation occurs, try a compromise such as this: “Not hungry? American food not GOOD enough for you? Well that’s ok, you can just have a drink then FROM THE TOILET!” Always give them the choice. I find this compromise works and encourages respect for our culture.

If you find that your homestay is getting a little homesick, remember that it is a common feeling that is only temporarily. However if it persists, try using a psychological method called distraction. Distract them from their homesickness by giving them a real illness. Add a little Syrup of Ipecac to top their waffles. You’ll find that within a twenty minutes they will have forgotten all about their parents and siblings.

When out sightseeing, your student may give you a hard time, whining about being hot, tired, or speaking out of turn. Remind them that here in the land of the melting pot, their freedom in the USA rests only upon not being singled out as a terrorist in a public place. To really drive this one home, it helps if YOU have been holding on to their passport for safekeeping.

That’s all the tips I have. The real thanks goes to you for being a good American citizen and humanitarian.

August 8, 2005 at 12:21 am | humor | No comment

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