Contemplate death with each inhalation and each exhalation

June 17, 2007

I was sitting in the bedroom. It was an otherwise quiet night, when an intense emotion came over me. It was a realization of me. It was a brief daydream, a bright and heavy glimpse of what my last moment alive would be like. And more frightening, what the moment just after that would be. And it felt REAL. Oh my god, I’m going to die some day and I don’t want to die. Why did I think of this? Who knows where the thought came from but it made me sad, a very real sadness. My stomach churned and I cried a little. We all have to face many fears and pains in this life. Some are more fortunate than others for reasons unknown to me. But those of us living right now will die. When I’ve thought about my death, at that moment of my death I feel cold and alone and scared. Will I fade away inside my mind? Will I be aware one moment and then just gone? What is gone? Does it hurt to be gone? Do I go somewhere. What am I like gone or in a somewhere? If I’m old and my mind is dulled, does it become sharp again?

As you might expect I was very motivated to change my thinking. I decided to do a little reading to see if I could understand this. I searched for a passage of what Buddha might have said about death. I could have searched for Jesus or another passage from another wise person. But I chose Buddha, hoping I’d find something wordly and otherworldly.

Think about death with each inhalation and each exhalation. Usually passages from these types of writings don’t come so clearly to me so quickly.

I believe I understood it as this: We can feel better about our own death by inviting the feelings of fear and pain in. Most of us don’t see that kind of self-talk as valuable. It’s morbid, it’s going to depress you. You won’t be able to function. It’s better to focus on life and ignore death, sweep it under the rug, distract yourself instead right? That’s what I thought anyway. Minutes to hours later the opposite happened. As I began letting the thought of death in and keeping the thought with me, I felt a true new state of being.

Instead of the depression and feeling of dread I thought I would have consuming me, these active thoughts of my unknown, yet eventual death gave me an appreciation, a thankfulness of every moment I was having. I could appreciate any small conversation I had with someone else. Because I was there and they were there. I could be thankful for everything that was going in my favor at that moment. Things not going in my favor, well, do they matter all that much? Now I’m feeling better, not worse. Though I can only speak with a couple days experience with these thoughts, I can presume a few things. Let’s say I have some sort of interaction with a person or group that gets me down. Maybe I made a mistake and I become embarassed or feel as if I’ve failed. How long do you think those consuming and defeating thoughts will linger when I’m continuously mindful of my own passing?

Would you think thinking about death would ruin your sense of humor? I have been appreciating good humor more, and I can enjoy the person more in the funny exchange. What about dealing with others? Would thinking about death put you into this dead zone staring into space? Actually it’s made me more responsive. I want to hear what they say and be engaged with them. I want to respond thoughtfully and not shrug people off. Will thinking about death produce a bad omen of some sort or cause your death to happen quicker? I doubt it, but how could I know that? In my experience though, people who are talking about superstitions and bad omens often come to conclusions because of ignorance.

I hesitated some writing this entry. I both don’t want to bring anyone down, but at the same time, I want people to have an experience for themselves. Why hide it? What good does hide death in the back room out of sight and mind? For me, it was at first pain and fear to think about it. And then somehow maybe a new wisdom. I’m going to end this with a few questions for you to think about. Actually they are for me to think about and revisit and exercise.

1. The things you own, you can’t take with you. Where should they go?
2. Do you think mindfulness of death would cause you to behave more or less rationally?
3. Can you go through some pain and dream about the death you are truly afraid of?
4. What kind of death could feel like a good death for you? (Don’t say “no death” because it’s pointless to try and avoid this)
5. In being mindful of your own eventual death, how does it affect your thinking and relationships?
6. Thinking of people who commit violent crimes, murderers. Have you ever wished death on someone like that? What do you think now when being mindful of your own death?
7. If someone isn’t of the same religion as you, but you feel they are an equally good person as you. What do you think will happen to both you and them?
8. Can urgency and patience go together?

I have so much more I’d like to write on this subject, but I feel if you have read it and I’ve written it well, AND you have time to quiet yourself and really think it over, then you will be better. As for me, I’m going to head upstairs to bed. I intend to sleep well tonight. I intend to wake up to a beautiful morning with new experiences and thoughts. I’m looking forward to it.

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